i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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