just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
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Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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