how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
