Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm always down for nudity.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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