I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
