Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
