Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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