i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
