it was like his penis was on wheels.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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