roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
