we're chasing vodka with high fives
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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