matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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