He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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