hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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