I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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