1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
