im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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