I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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