A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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