Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
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