I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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