I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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