YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The beer is more important than you right now.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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