every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
