Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
