i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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