I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
