YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
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Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
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As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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