Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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