yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
