Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
