He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
