You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I didn't notice because vodka
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
