Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
