I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
