dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
