1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
my being single is dangerous.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
