you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
