worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
His hands were made for my vagina.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
