i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
