Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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