tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
