i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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