You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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