you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
