I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
