The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
