Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
