someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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