oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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