When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize