dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
