I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
