an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
