cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
