my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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